What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Why do some people enjoy being dominated?

He knew the spot.

(And it was in our own minds.)

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

Can you share the entire summary of your spiritual life?

Who then, do I blame.?

My mum and dad in the seventies!

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Why do people procrastinate and how can they stop?

It was going to be , some day.

But ive been too sick for many years..

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

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I had hoped to write a book about this .

My family never makes their pension either.

So whats the point in blame.

What is the impact of being stereotyped as poor on an individual's life? How does it make them feel?

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Why did i forgive my father ?

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

Which country has the best and strictest legal system in the world?

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

Put me off passion for life!!

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

Which document should be pointed out to a holocaust denier?

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

She loved him until the end.

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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

She married twice! .

Especially a lifetime of it.

Where can Ukrainians go if they cannot have shelter and heating this winter?

This is how, and why children get BPD.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

Why do men prefer women below the age of 30?

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

I never cut or harmed myself..

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Im still living with it.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

I will be 64.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Ive learnt so much.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

And who doesn’t know suffering?

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

I couldn’t, believe it.

We were not on the streets..

Where the ultimate outsiders.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

Im dying but, im not bitter.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

I have no regrets .

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

She was in good health!

And i lived it daily.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

Was to survive, this bastard.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

As i do to all so called friends.?

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

My life is so biszare .

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

I could never make a relationship work though!

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

I think the readers, may guess!

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

Would this be the day?

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

But, we were locked up after school.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

She found it foreign!.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

So, i spoilt her more .

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

I don,t even have a pension.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

He resisted the act ,that day.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

I was seconnd youngest,

When she asked me how she looked .

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

We all went to grammer schools

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

Comes on , in middle age.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

All the time i was locked up.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

I was scared of men, in general

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

I was 9 years of age.

One cannot live in the past .

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

This is soul school!.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

I write beautiful poetry .

I was very sick at this time too.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

I waited trembling.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

She wouldn,t have been !

But it wasn’t much.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

What did i know ?

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

I said to her

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!